withzarry:

mskneesocks:

reading ur old writing
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i dont know which facial expression in most accurate 

neptunain:

go into a starbucks in NYC and say very loudly into your phone “this movie script is stale and trite! we need some new talent, someone with a fresh outlook” and wait

theonion:

PRO: Get to puncture child with needle

CON: You have to go to a place

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aduhm:

madskittlez29:

I’d rather…

Party like a Time Lord

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Dress like a consulting detective

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Eat like an Angel of the Lord

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And own my life like Robert Downey Jr

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werewof:

me owning the kangaroos at the zoo

crucio:

molleficent:

my sexuality is girls all the time and boys if they’re famous, almost offensively beautiful and completely unattainable so i can attach all my impossible ideals to them and never have to have anything to do with them irl

youngstero:

my mom went to high school with jamie lee curtis and one time they both got caught smoking pot together and jamie told the teacher it was my mom’s and my mom was suspended and jamie lee got no punishment so think about that next time you want some activia

the laxative yogurt lady fucked over my mom

whisperblueface:

hecallsmepineappleprincess:

Mary Poppins Quits with Kristen Bell

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Please someone tell me Julie Andrews saw this lol

I thought it was mary poppins. then i realized it was kristen bell and it got like 20x better

leonkumquat:

when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank

they’re married now

  • baby: d-d-d-d
  • dad: daddy?
  • baby: destroy capitalism
  • karl marx: nice

I HATE when girls swear

bellecosby:

snarftheconquerer:

It hurts. Hearing a cute voice say such fowl things. It makes me sad.. If you want make me sad be a girl and swear..

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srthemes